Entry #00005 [Holima 12, 3348] 22:53
By mighty Malbogia, where did my little Padawan go? Though in his argument, he's always been bigger and taller than me, not to mention older... but this new Zwinmar I met has grown. He has grown into a man that I can be proud of. I think that I know now what it feels like to be proud of a child (Oh the irony! He's older than me!) that you've had a hand in raising and to see them all grown up and sitting on the Council of all places!
There goes the whole 'avoiding people from my past' thing... to make a long story short, I was coming out of the spaceport the other day and ran into someone who recognised me from before and offered to get Zwinmar over for me to meet. I accepted.
Oh I'm so proud of him! Oh and remind me to thank Sage for finishing his training... maybe find out where he gets his cookies and get him a lifetime supply (though that might end up giving him a stroke or clogged arteries because of all the colestrol in them). I remember being there for his first attempt at attaining the rank of Jedi Knight, he said something that stuck with me since then.
"A teacher cannot force someone to learn anything, rather he places the information in front of them, then guides the best he can so that the student can learn, and thus, by learning the student is able to help himself."
Seeing Zwinmar like this has made me nostalgic. Here is a man that I had helped along the path of a Jedi in the past... and now we stand as equals, rather than student and master. Did Realm feel this way when I became his peer? Did Kyle feel this way when Realm became his? How would they feel today were I to introduce Zwinmar to them? Oh how I wish I could do that...
I think that somewhere deep inside, I will always wonder whether those of my past would approve of the path I've walked. Realm, Amidala, Kyle, Dragon... even Sean and JD. They're with the Force now and will always be with me that way. But would they have approved?
Who would have thought... little orphan girl Jaina would be celebrating her 20th year as a Jedi Master today?
By Duma... what were they thinking? I can now see why the Coruscant Council was so shocked when I was awarded the title of Master at 14. I must admit though, their collective expressions when I was presented to them via a holonet conference conveyed as much shock as finding out that the Oblivion's Hand wore pink aprons while baking for an orphanage bake-sale. Yeah.
While we're on the topic of masters and students, I might as well record a bit of history. Realm and I met while I was still in service of Queen Amidala and we all became fast friends after our first meeting, that is Realm with Amidala and I. At that time, he was training under Jedi Master Kyle on Naboo so therefore spent a lot of time at the palace. During one of their training sessions, I walked in and out of curiosity, picked up what appeared to be a training lightsabre and was pitted against them. It was obvious after a few minutes that I was holding my own and it was only after a particularly close call involving the "training" sabre and Master Kyle's hair (You should have seen his hair in the weeks following) and thanks to the Force, I'd pulled back in time and though that, they discovered my Force sensitivity.
I remember clearly that I the sabre was dropped immediately (and the deadman switch turned it off) and I ran out of the throne room, where they had been sparring, and hid out in the gardens for the rest of the night. I was young, I was shocked and I was a bit scared. Scared of holding the potential to such a power, especially with my previous encounters of both dark and lightsiders while in service to the Queen. Would I become like Cassia? Would I become like Venom? Would I become like Realm? Would I have to choose between them or Amidala, who was like a sister to me?
Like I said, I was young.
It was Amidala who came and found me around dawn. Apparently I'd pulled my own Force presence into myself and made it so that I impossible to find, even to the Jedi. She told me that there was nothing to be scared of, that she would back me in whatever decision I made and it was then I decided that she would always be my Queen.
In the following weeks, I continued my handmaiden duties though Realm taught me a few tricks and such in our spare time. He achieved the rank of a Master, stayed on Naboo to guard Amidala and took on an official Padawan by the name of Brian but the young man disappeared one day. It was then when he approached Amidala about releasing me to train to be a Jedi. There was a threat looming on the horizon and the Force felt thick with tension and dread. I had been feeling it too and with Amidala's urgings, I started my official apprenticeship to Realm.
It was a desperate time for all Nubians, Jedi and plainsfolk alike. It was all started months earlier with the death of Master Li and the kidnapping of his and Amidala's children, Lison and Lianna. I wanted to help in anyway I can to bring peace back to Naboo so I put my all into the training and soon became a Jedi Knight in my own right.
On the eve of a great battle, Master Realm tested me and proclaimed me a Jedi Master. It was also on this day that it was announced that he was to be the leader of the Jedi War Council, which included Amidala and the newly promoted me, as an organised effort for all Force-users to fight back against the invading Sith.
And the rest, as they say, is for the history books.
As in literally.
Which is why you find me reminiscising as much as I do in these entries, what is learnt in history classes was real life. It never fails to amaze me whenever I realise this. I was just an orphan looking for her way. I believe this trip of mine was to re-discover who I am, underneath this Jedi, underneath this teacher, underneath all the expectations.
I find I am me. I am a human. I am a woman. I laugh, I cry, I hurt. I have a sweet tooth. I have a soft spot for cute things. I have an addiction for pink lemonade. All perfectly normal things.
Us Jedi, we are all people too. All those heros and heroines, villians, king, queens, princes, princesses... their qualities as who they were are glossed over.
The generations of Jedi after me create their own histories. I feel it is my role to be the bystander in all this and just watch. Watch and learn. The Force will tell me if I am needed again. Until that time, history will remain in the past and I will remain with it. It is for the best, I believe. Let the young test their wings. Let them have their trial by fire and no matter how much it pains me, I will watch and I will be here.
The Force is vast and with it, anything is possible.