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Heck [Thursday, May 24th; 01:52 AM]

[ mood | for how long? ]

Wow, it has been a very long time since I have had chance to even sit down and breathe, let alone update this thing.  It appears to me I am not the only one that has been neglecting their N-Journal.  Not that it surprises me. Life can get rather hectic...

Since I last posted, much has happened.  I am not sure where to start really.  Some of it is monumental to me and my life.  Some of it, monumental to the lives of others and some of it... is just there.  I know, not making much sense am I?  But then when have I ever?

Okay, lets list the important to me things... cuz I am going to be concieted like that.

I married the most amazing woman in the universe.  Seriously, I don't know how she puts up with me at times. She is so smart, so funny, so talented, and she is an amazing mother to my kids.  Absoloutely amazing.  I am still at a loss to know how she manages to juggle all she does, when I struggle to juggle about as much as her, maybe even less.  I do love her though, and I haven't been happier. 

I am also a father again.  My wife and I, we had a beautiful little boy... and his big sister adores him.  There is such a huge age gap between the two, still.. I can see they will be close.  I love just spending time with them and well, all my family.  I am such a softy.  Sadly with all that is going on I am finding it hard to get time, and a baby.. as much as I love the boy.  He does kinda make it hard to get time alone, with my wife.... so we left the kids with a babysitter and ran away for a little.  We need it.

Speaking of babysitter, that was an odd thing.  a lot of odd, painful things about that, and seeings as I am still on holiday I do not want to focus on that too much right now.  I am glad to have her back in my life though.

Then, there is work.  I have many areas of work at the moment and all are as stressful as the other.  some are worse, especially those that rely on the help and actions of huge numbers of people to work.  Crisis almost occured through the daft actions of one and it took a lot of effort and begging to actually cause it to simmer some, at least on one side.  The other side... well... I won't hold my breath. 

My emotions have been ragged at times, until this week that I have got away with the wife.  There has just been mess after mess... and I think we all know what I can be like.  I have the temper from hell at times.  How my wife puts up with it is beyond me, but then... she just needs to look at me sometimes and I know when I put a toe out of line.

Oh, my daughter also had her 15th birthday.  I had my 30ish one.  I can't believe how quickly the time flies. One day you are in your twenties coming to a new planet... to being in your thirties, with three kids.  Its insane.  I wouldn't change it though, not even the crap that got me here.  Does that hur? Sure, of course my past still stings... but... I am getting there.  I have my loving family.

I'd be screwed without them.  I really would.

Anyway, I better head off and go hide out with the missus again.  She's asleep, so I took the chance to update quickly. Now I am going to shut this thing off and cuddle with her.

It's nice to have a holiday.

What will you do? Use the Force.

If murder was legal,,, [Friday, February 2nd; 19:35 PM]

[ mood | hate! ]

My gods would several be dying right now. I would tear them limb from limb. I swear.

She looks so.. weak in that bed like that, so hurt.. and I wasn't there to protect her. It is possible this is because of my life, my career.

Everything had been happy, calm.. until now... then once again it all hits at once.

Dad and my Girl.

I love my father, I really do, but I am sorry, I gotta be there for my Angel. I am sure you will understand. I hope you will understand but she has to come first.  Her and my wife... and the baby.  They need me right now.  I have faith things will work out for you, and I will do what I can, but they need me.

I can't beleive anyone would want to hurt her...

She's such a wonderful girl, she'd never hurt anyone.. and look what they have done to her...

I hate them.

Goddess... If I ever get my hands on them...
What will you do? Use the Force.

[Sunday, January 28th; 17:17 PM]

[ mood | ecstatic ]

So it seems I'm the only one with any good news as off late. Cuz like, I'm going to be a big sis ^_^! This is mega good news, atleast for me and I cant wait for the baby to be here. Dad's all worried I'll get jealous and why? I know dad didnt know me for a long time, but he knows me now. And it is going to be a sibling, why would I be jealous off that? Dad's horrible for learning something tho, I have been trying to teach him piano, but really. He keeps asking 'what's this and that' and by the end off the day he get's so overexited he learns little. I swear, sometimes dad's a bigger kid then me. And that's saying a lot

What will you do? Use the Force.

[Saturday, January 20th; 11:15 AM]

[ mood | depressed ]

I am stressed, pregnant, and back in Republica because of Shalee. 

Bernard is the father. I love him, but I am not going to trap him in a marriage with me. He deserves better and I am going to tell him that. As for the family, I am the outcast once more, so I left Theed and came back to Republica, hopefully my work will help me clear my mind and stay focused on what I need to do. There is too much drama around the palace. To many people. My apartment is much nicer, just me and Mackey, my guard. Sometimes Bernard, but not for long. I am going to let him go. Like I said I don't want to trap him, he will have custody of the child, just because I know I cannot raise one. I tried once, and failed miserably. I don't want to fail again. And I have. I have failed at everything I try to do. I failed at getting my family to love me, to respect me, to believe in me. I have failed my planet if I cannot keep a war from coming there. I have failed myself, my mother.

I am done. I have failed at everything I can fail at. I am done.

What will you do? Use the Force.

So.... [Wednesday, January 10th; 19:07 PM]

[ mood | okay ]

It's been a while since I last updated.. Thing is life's been pretty good to me. It's been relaxing. Quick recap. Aunt and uncle got married and are expecting a baby (yay), dad finally married my, now, stepmom (more yay!) and I've got a new friend. He's a brat but he's funny too. And occasionally sweet. My, other, uncle tells me he reminds me off dad when he was younger. And he's a La Cerra, not that I care it's just a name afterall. So dad pretty much went pale. It was funny. I think if I tease him more he might get angry, so I'll behave. For now. Hey this way I can threathen to run off on him, which I wouldn't. But dad worries about me to much. I know he was young when he had me and doesnt regret it, but he doesnt want me to make his mistakes. Which I won't. I'm still to much off a kid to even consider one off my own. No thank you.
So yes. Life's good on this end, about time it was too. To bad my one uncle doesnt have this thing, I want to tease him over his new girl. Teehee.

What will you do? Use the Force.

A Child [Thursday, December 28th; 11:15 AM]


Sometimes, I do not understand how people can still call me a child. I do not wish to name names, but I feel like I must. Shalee. She seems to be my main antagonist. For years now I have been trying to do the right thing, to help others. All she does it worry about what dress she is going to wear, or how horrible it looks. Not to mention the little fantasy world she lives in. Yes, I use to live in a fantasy world, it was wonderful, until reality hits you. I try not the wish bad things onto people. But I hope reality hits her soon. She lives in her palace, she has never lost a love, she has never been hurt by love. She doesn't listen to the people who care the most about her. I care and I try to warn her of things, but it doesn't matter. Its all coming from Ja'nar. 

Ja'nar knows nothing of the real world. Ja'nar has lived a sheltered life in the palace and only gets what she wants by throwing a fit or begging her family to allow her to do it. That is not true. I have been working so hard lately. The Senate has been difficult, everyone is fighting but me it seems. I am trying to go about things rationally now, but it doesn't work when everyone else around you is irrational. The Children's house is almost done, thank Duma for that. We are already over capacity at Theed Memorial, The Palace, and the NSF hospital. It will be nice to get most of those children out into the country side a bit, out of the city. I think they will be safer there too. Most do not have families, so the hospital staff has became there families.

Dumamas just finished a few days ago. I got a beautiful necklace from my little niece, Naria. She is such a doll. She made everyone one. I have yet to see Shalee wear it. It probably doesn't match any of her gowns. I spent my senator salary on presents for the kids down at the hospital. It was nice to see them all so happy. It was hard shopping for them though, but each gave me a list and I went and got it all. It was so much fun! They were so happy too. I have been at the hospital I think everyday for the past few months. Its hard at times, but its so rewarding when you get to see their smiles. I wish I could adopt them all! Most are orphans. I guess I kind of am, with the new hospital. For the school, I was so happy to get Arthur Maciga to be the head master...He is a brillant man, and use to teach at Naboo's Royal Academy. But I stole him! These kids will be set for life, and actually be able to make something out of theirselves. Its a honor to be able to be a part of it.

I miss the old Shalee so much. She was kind to me. She cared about me. This new one...She hates me. I try so hard to make my family proud. And I can only fail. I don't want to fail. I just hope Shalee realizes that. Realizes I am very uptight because I don't want to fail. I failed at being a daughter, I failed at being a girlfriend, I failed at being a mother. This is my time to prove myself as something and I will.

What will you do? Use the Force.

busy boy. [Thursday, December 7th; 02:10 AM]

[ mood | loved ]

Wow, I can't get over how busy things have been as of late. What with work and side projects and all that. Thus why I haven't updated in ages. It appears I am not the only one to have not updated as of late.

It was kind of odd the other week. Traveling back to a place full of demons and fears to find... some good memories. With my fiancee by my side... I think it made it easier. Sad thing was, not only does this home sport and secure many of my troubles, it brings her much pain.

I wonder if we did the right thing going back.

I can't help but feel a little guilty for taking her around there and asking her to show me places of her childhood which caused her pain. It would be like her dragging me to some places of my life and forcing me into them.

I don't know. Perhaps I just feel this way for I know how she feels currently, and I don't like that, I don't like knowing she pains. I guess it is the same when I do. I just wish I could take all that hurts her and take it away. I can't though, I know I can't so I will hold her and love her and hope it helps.

Nothing else matters at the moment. I am happy to put everything else on hold, pause it, stop it... so I can spend time with her.

My family is whom has got me through and rather literally saved my life.

I would do anything for them... even give up my career... and I think my fiancee understands this. I think she is the only one whom truly has.

Before hand others claimed I was selfish, I placed myself and my work first. Yet, I would always be willing to put it on hold or give it up if my family needs me more. A lot of things that have been said to me, about me previously within my life continue to confuse me.

I doubt I will ever understand.

In other news...

It was nice to have all the team back together back home and for us to work our butts off. It has been a while. I did enjoy it. It has been a while since we were all working together.

My brother is getting married soon. Like really soon. I am excited for him, he is a lovely guy and I am glad I have finally got to know him properly. I wish them all the best.

Then there is one of my closest friends, and his fiancee... they are getting married soon too.

Then my fiancee and I.

I am so tempted to shove all the rest infront of a priest or a celebrant and tell them to get it over and done with.

I am excited. I can't wait to have a full, real family. To be joined forever.

I am a lucky man.
Very lucky.

What will you do? Use the Force.

Peace, Love and Rock & Roll..figure of speech. [Sunday, November 19th; 18:54 PM]

[ mood | awake ]

Aye, I finally time to update! I can say I found some peace to meself on Coruscant, and the holiday was fun and very much relaxing. Most of all I have time to be with me fiancée and kid, dear gods me lil' Irse is growing fast, it's hard to understand she is smiling and see the world so differently! She looks so much like her mum, spicey and with alot of temper, if she doesn't want anything she put up that face..it's cool to see that me kid is the joy of me life. At some piont Shaoirse also shares a part with me own mum, I can not explain it, it's just there.

 Me lil' Shaoirse

Well to more important things, I did not spoke to me father when I was away, me friends and family cleared explained how I must be and react to me dad and I must live this life as being a father me own and protect I think is the best! What B once said, I'm a grown up, nearly reaching thirty, what the feck was I thinking?  Stupid lil' git, I can not tolerate that me dad takes control over me again, that is finished.

I did follow the news and the gossips around B and his girlfriend, I can not believe what is true or not. I shall figure that out soon since me family is returning to Naboo, for we need a wedding to prepare.

What will you do? Use the Force.

Veiws, in the form of prose. [Sunday, November 19th; 11:12 AM]

[ mood | artistic ]

Sometimes we see only what we want to see
We fail to see the truth.
Blinded by illogical perception,
And insecurities from within our youth.
At times we fail to notice,
The little clues behind the lies
There are times we fail to see
What sits before ones eyes.

We care only for what 'looks good'
What sounds and tastes like fun
Yet we fail to understand
Those this may hurt as we go along.
Hearts arrested and broken
Angel wings shattered and torn.
How much scandal makes one
How far and long 'til it is worn?

A life not ours we paw at
A life beyond what we know.
Simple, that we claim it
But their path we have not tread.
We do not rise and sleep,
There inside their beds.

When did it become our right to sit and stare
With voyeuristic eyes
watching others closely
And wheeling and dealing with their lives?
Is it our place to sell the 'scandal'
to take the mundane of life away?
To make judgments on a life less ordinary
another part of everyday?

We claim their life is better, bigger, totally carefree
Yet we see not the reality
Of what happens behind closed doors
Could be the same as you and me
We know not the truth of what happens,
Just sensationalize and stare
One day it will leave egg on the face
And I just hope to be there.

I have been reading some things, and well, these here are my thoughts.

Other than that, work has been insane. I have been away from those I love the most to continue working on something I love. I do love my job. Very much so, but it is bloody hard to be away from ones family as often as I tend to be at times. I guess the only way I stay sane when I don't see them for some long days when I end up sleeping at the office, is just by calling them, and being a little nutty.

I have had many people mention to me I seem so energetic and happy, I cope really well when having to be apart from them. Heh, nuts! It's not true. I miss them like crazy, so very much and I long to get home and wrap them in my arms... to never let them go. I am longing to get home now. The only thing that keeps me 'sane' (which is highly debatable) is knowing I love them and they love me no matter where I am, and they trust me, as I trust them. I can be my insane self and do my thing, do my work, yet they know... I am always their lover or father or brother, or whatever I am to them.

Family is a great thing.

What will you do? 4 Force Transcripts - Use the Force.

[Saturday, November 18th; 22:19 PM]

[ mood | amused ]

I have the weirdest parents.



Love em tho.

What will you do? 3 Force Transcripts - Use the Force.

ARGH! [Tuesday, November 14th; 06:30 AM]

[ mood | pissed off ]

I Hate him! I really do today! How dare he? how dare he call me a harpie and a golddigger and claim that he never asked for my help, yet wants me to go away. Telling me my ideals suck and that I have never done anything good for another in my entire life?! How dare he? just because I porved to him that I was right, and he wrong he makes a fool out off himsellf and decides to yell and rant the entire place together in the middle off then ight. Gods I hate him right now. How dare he do this on my birthday. How. Dare. He. I'm going to kill him when he get's home. Let him go find another if I'm no good for him.

What will you do? 8 Force Transcripts - Use the Force.

Another chapter in the book of life. [Monday, November 13th; 08:32 AM]

[ mood | bouncy ]

This feels like a story I shall be writing until the day I die.

Yes, I know, a stupid little joke there, but it works.

First off, I wish to apologise to any and all I was downing on recently. It is not usually like me to be that low, well, at least until a few years ago it was not. There once was a time where I was, although living in a horrid world, I was unstopable, full of life and idealism. I guess, for a while I found cynicism.

They say there are several levels of grief, and depression is one of them. I guess I have been grieving the death of many things for a long time now. Very long time now, yet, never truly realised such. MY younger years were spent in denial of the pain, denial of the tragedies which surrounded me, and sadly, many others have been not so much victim to the situation my life was in, but have been hurt by it.

I am not saying they are completely blame free. No one is ever entirely blame free from any event in their life, anything that has happened. Even when it comes to being a victim of some sort of abuse. I say this as a victim. My entire life went upside down at 14. I was beaten and abused by a man whom I believed was my father, and at 14 I had the nouse to know that this was wrong. Yet, out of fear, I stayed, I stayed and I not so much allowed him to hurt me, but allowed him to take my power. I could have left. I chose to stay, stupid on my behalf. This does not mean he had ANY right to treat me how he did.

I allowed him to make me feel worthless. I know this. I am not saying it was an easy thing to allow, nor did I let him crush me without a fight. I rebelled, a lot. I still do I think. My job, it is one big rebellion, my life, my family... the way I have been around the block a bit. My rebellion has been in ways other than most teenagers had, and like I said, I still rebel. The only 'usual' thing I did was drink and smoke. Stupid, yes, yes, I know... and it seriously bit me in the arse too.

Yet, I guess what I am trying to say, my rebellion against my life was denying I was hurt, denying I was upset and pretending I was big and brave as he said I should be, yet, I took that 'bravado' a step further. A huge step further. Those whom know me know what I am talking about. I failed to see through this action as really, a cry out loud for someone to see me and love me and save me from sinking further. I had my friends, I know I had and still have my friends, but its different.

Now I have my children and my lover... my Goddess. I also have more family than I ever thought I could....

And that is my true rebellion...

Being happy. That is the BEST way I can get him back, get them all back for harming me.
Feth, don't get me wrong, I still want to tear a few new holes.
But while I can't, I will be as damn happy as I can.

I want to thank you all for putting up with my crap.

Especially my family.
I love you all.

What will you do? 1 Force Transcript - Use the Force.

[Sunday, November 12th; 20:32 PM]

[ mood | accomplished ]

Entry #00005 [Holima 12, 3348] 22:53

By mighty Malbogia, where did my little Padawan go? Though in his argument, he's always been bigger and taller than me, not to mention older... but this new Zwinmar I met has grown. He has grown into a man that I can be proud of. I think that I know now what it feels like to be proud of a child (Oh the irony! He's older than me!) that you've had a hand in raising and to see them all grown up and sitting on the Council of all places!

There goes the whole 'avoiding people from my past' thing... to make a long story short, I was coming out of the spaceport the other day and ran into someone who recognised me from before and offered to get Zwinmar over for me to meet. I accepted.

Oh I'm so proud of him! Oh and remind me to thank Sage for finishing his training... maybe find out where he gets his cookies and get him a lifetime supply (though that might end up giving him a stroke or clogged arteries because of all the colestrol in them). I remember being there for his first attempt at attaining the rank of Jedi Knight, he said something that stuck with me since then.

"A teacher cannot force someone to learn anything, rather he places the information in front of them, then guides the best he can so that the student can learn, and thus, by learning the student is able to help himself."

Seeing Zwinmar like this has made me nostalgic. Here is a man that I had helped along the path of a Jedi in the past... and now we stand as equals, rather than student and master. Did Realm feel this way when I became his peer? Did Kyle feel this way when Realm became his? How would they feel today were I to introduce Zwinmar to them? Oh how I wish I could do that...

I think that somewhere deep inside, I will always wonder whether those of my past would approve of the path I've walked. Realm, Amidala, Kyle, Dragon... even Sean and JD. They're with the Force now and will always be with me that way. But would they have approved?

Who would have thought... little orphan girl Jaina would be celebrating her 20th year as a Jedi Master today?

By Duma... what were they thinking? I can now see why the Coruscant Council was so shocked when I was awarded the title of Master at 14. I must admit though, their collective expressions when I was presented to them via a holonet conference conveyed as much shock as finding out that the Oblivion's Hand wore pink aprons while baking for an orphanage bake-sale. Yeah.

While we're on the topic of masters and students, I might as well record a bit of history. Realm and I met while I was still in service of Queen Amidala and we all became fast friends after our first meeting, that is Realm with Amidala and I. At that time, he was training under Jedi Master Kyle on Naboo so therefore spent a lot of time at the palace. During one of their training sessions, I walked in and out of curiosity, picked up what appeared to be a training lightsabre and was pitted against them. It was obvious after a few minutes that I was holding my own and it was only after a particularly close call involving the "training" sabre and Master Kyle's hair (You should have seen his hair in the weeks following) and thanks to the Force, I'd pulled back in time and though that, they discovered my Force sensitivity.

I remember clearly that I the sabre was dropped immediately (and the deadman switch turned it off) and I ran out of the throne room, where they had been sparring, and hid out in the gardens for the rest of the night. I was young, I was shocked and I was a bit scared. Scared of holding the potential to such a power, especially with my previous encounters of both dark and lightsiders while in service to the Queen. Would I become like Cassia? Would I become like Venom? Would I become like Realm? Would I have to choose between them or Amidala, who was like a sister to me?

Like I said, I was young.

It was Amidala who came and found me around dawn. Apparently I'd pulled my own Force presence into myself and made it so that I impossible to find, even to the Jedi. She told me that there was nothing to be scared of, that she would back me in whatever decision I made and it was then I decided that she would always be my Queen.

In the following weeks, I continued my handmaiden duties though Realm taught me a few tricks and such in our spare time. He achieved the rank of a Master, stayed on Naboo to guard Amidala and took on an official Padawan by the name of Brian but the young man disappeared one day. It was then when he approached Amidala about releasing me to train to be a Jedi. There was a threat looming on the horizon and the Force felt thick with tension and dread. I had been feeling it too and with Amidala's urgings, I started my official apprenticeship to Realm.

It was a desperate time for all Nubians, Jedi and plainsfolk alike. It was all started months earlier with the death of Master Li and the kidnapping of his and Amidala's children, Lison and Lianna. I wanted to help in anyway I can to bring peace back to Naboo so I put my all into the training and soon became a Jedi Knight in my own right.

On the eve of a great battle, Master Realm tested me and proclaimed me a Jedi Master. It was also on this day that it was announced that he was to be the leader of the Jedi War Council, which included Amidala and the newly promoted me, as an organised effort for all Force-users to fight back against the invading Sith.

And the rest, as they say, is for the history books.

As in literally.

Which is why you find me reminiscising as much as I do in these entries, what is learnt in history classes was real life. It never fails to amaze me whenever I realise this. I was just an orphan looking for her way. I believe this trip of mine was to re-discover who I am, underneath this Jedi, underneath this teacher, underneath all the expectations.

I find I am me. I am a human. I am a woman. I laugh, I cry, I hurt. I have a sweet tooth. I have a soft spot for cute things. I have an addiction for pink lemonade. All perfectly normal things.

Us Jedi, we are all people too. All those heros and heroines, villians, king, queens, princes, princesses... their qualities as who they were are glossed over.

The generations of Jedi after me create their own histories. I feel it is my role to be the bystander in all this and just watch. Watch and learn. The Force will tell me if I am needed again. Until that time, history will remain in the past and I will remain with it. It is for the best, I believe. Let the young test their wings. Let them have their trial by fire and no matter how much it pains me, I will watch and I will be here.

The Force is vast and with it, anything is possible.

What will you do? Use the Force.

[Monday, November 6th; 21:35 PM]

Entry #00004 [Holima 6, 3348] 00:59

Well, as it turns out, the ship's hyperspace engines are going to the Jawas. In other words, a complete replacement is required. This means we're here on the planet for the next few days at least. They kept the cruiser running so that the ship can act as a hotel for those who wish to remain onboard for a little bit of extra creds.

I did not realised, but when we landed, another ship came down with us that seemed to carry some hotshot politician onboard, from the talk I could hear around town yesterday. Politics... a necessary evil of life. After all, not everyone can be perfect like me.

Wow. I really have changed. The 'me' that first stepped into the Jedi world would have never cracked a joke like that. My inner-narcissist finally shows up.

I'm sitting here in my small cabin aboard the ship and all prepared to go to bed. It's nights like these that make me think back to the old days.

Listen to me, I'm 34 and I'm already calling them 'old days'. But for many, what they read in history books was real life for many people. I didn't realise that as a child when learning Naboo history. It was all just a bunch of dates, figures and the occasional name. In the Fuo of 2441, a palace revolt was staged by the servants. What the books didn't say was that it was incited by King Yulinte when he threw acid on a servant girl's face in a fit of rage. Cessa 1820, Princess Ulissin was kidnapped, said history books. I later discovered through old palace records that it was to cover her eloping with her handmaiden.

History is told by the powerful. There is always two sides.

I sent a holomessage to the Nubian Jedis yesterday. It felt like the right thing to do, even though it wasn't time to return yet. I'm not expecting a reply as I didn't leave a return address but I feel better after doing this. It makes me think that those who left Naboo in the years previous and never said a word to be selfish in a way, those left behind can do nothing but worry and hope that one day paths cross again.

Malastare is my intended destination for now, but until the ship is fixed, on Caleigh I will stay.

It makes me wonder... what is there left for me on Naboo?
What will you do? Use the Force.

[Sunday, November 5th; 18:18 PM]

[ mood | crappy ]

I admitted it today. 

I have a drinking problem.  I really said it and meant it.
I do not mean I miss my mouth when I attempt to drink.
It is the alcohol finds it too easily when I am hurt.
I am hurt a lot, especially recently.

I learnt my mother hadn't been happy with the man I had believed was my father.
I learnt he beat her like he beat my brother some, and myself.
All my dreams my family had once been happy were shattered.
Another dream wrenched away from me, and Gods it stung.
So badly.
I am so angry at him, I want to find him and wrench his head from his neck.
To cut out his spleen and feed it to him.
To make him suffer.
To die.
As my mother did.
Why did she stay with him?
If he made her feel worthless did she not think he'd do the same to us?

All my life I have tried to make him proud of me.
Sorry.  It makes me irate.

My poor fiancee having to go through this with me.
I see how it hurts her.
I told her a lot though, I admitted the truth to her.
She says now things can get better.
I hope so.
She hasn't been known to be wrong before.
Goddess I love her.
I love my family very much.
I will never be like 'him'

What will you do? 7 Force Transcripts - Use the Force.

[Sunday, November 5th; 20:13 PM]

[ mood | relaxed ]

Entry #00003 [Holima 5, 3348] 20:19

What is it with my luck and space pirates? The flight to Malastare I was on got attacked *again* and this time we were diverted to Caleigh. Yes, Caleigh, the homeplanet of one of my ex-students (Master Zwinmar these days if I heard correctly *gives him an intergalatical pat on the head, standing on tiptoes*)... right when I'm looking not to have contact with the past for the time being, it thrusts me onto the proverbial street that leads to home. I think Caleigh is still allied to Naboo these days...

Oh well, it's a planet. It's big and round and goes all roly-poly around a star which just happens to be their sun. Like those repulsor rides for children at fairs and carnivals. Round and round... wheeeee~~

Ok, if people did not think this was the diary of a senile woman, they most certainly would now. And you know what, I just realised I don't give a bucket of Bantha dung if they do, though if they use this to prove the overall insanity of Jedi in general, then I won't be a happy little Force-user.

Getting sidetracked here.

The space pirates were a pitiful bunch with no sense of place and timing for their attacks. Or maybe they were just unlucky. Or maybe we were just lucky. Either way, some Jedi argue that there's no such thing as coincidence and officially, I am one of those due to the philosophy of the Force. Unofficially, coincidence is just weird sometimes.

Here's what happened. We were pulled out of hyperspace by these pirates and before I was even able to twitch my hand at them (by Duma and Malbolgia, sarcasm from a Jedi Master!) their flagship was caught in a tractor beam and two squadrons of fighters swarmed all over their half a dozen ships like Sith and Jedi to the Throne Room bar in the old days. Only two of the pirates' ships got away, the rest were detained or destroyed. Our cruiser, which was pulled forcibly from hyperspace, had damaged hyperspace engines and therefore hand to land and make repairs. A glance out the window had my hand slapping my forehead. The crest of Caleigh adorned the ships of our valiant rescuers.

We landed at their spaceport and those with passports that were good for getting onplanet without visas were allowed off, provided we left our comm contact details with them, so once again, I find myself wandering streets and half-hoping that I'd run into a familiar face. I'd used an altered official alias of mine from Naboo, though the photo attatched was still mine and passed through customs as unhindered as a military-like planet as I could without the use of the Force. I wonder if Zwinmar had my name flagged in the database systems of his planet... if so, I hope this ID was good enough to fool it as it was made prior to his apprenticeship to me if my old memory serves me correct.

I stopped a newsstand near the spaceport and picked up a local paper as well as a copy of the Coruscant Weekly when another piece of media caught my eye. It was one of those women's gossip holomags from Naboo. What was it doing there on Caleigh?

I purchased all three and went off to find a cafe to read in.

Half an hour later, I grin into my cup of decaf caf. Nothing ever changes. Naboo is still Naboo where anything could happen. It made me remember a rumor that I'd heard from someone on Naboo. Apparently there's a return of an old monarch of some sort though bets are up for which one it is. It makes me want to return to Naboo to find out for myself but somewhere in the back of my tingly Force senses, it tells me that it still is not time.

And whoever said that I had no patience... in your face, Master Realm! Though let's not continue down that line of thought...

I hear that Naboo is slowly getting back on its feet after the last bout of attacks from yet-another-evil Force that wanted to bring about the destruction of Naboo.

They manage fine without me which made me wonder, how much help was I in the past invasions and crisis?

Rage, Khensu, Oblivion's Hand, Dark Lianna... Sithspit, I've lost count and that's pretty sad, a Jedi only able to count to four. Joking joking...

Memory lane is not what it once was. Need to stop walking down and wearing out the pavement.

Now is a time for relaxing though, I am recharging my battery so I can handle being thrown back into the intricacies of Nubian court intrigue. These past years has taught me many things in life. The time to return to Naboo is soon but not now.

I need to learn to live in the now rather than the past. You'd be hard-pressed to find someone my age who dwelled on the past as much as I do, I think. But I think I mentioned before, age in years does not represent who one is, it is the experience one has gained that shows the way to the future.

I think I'll be on Caleigh for a few days, wonder where's a good hotel...

What will you do? 8 Force Transcripts - Use the Force.

[Wednesday, November 1st; 12:02 PM]

Entry #00002 [Holima 1, 3348] 02:37

I am at the spaceport of the aforementioned planet that I was watching the sunset from and am waiting for a connecting flight. It's decent sized, as far as spaceports go, though not close to as well organised as what I remember of the Naboo spaceport. I wonder if my ship is still there... Zoney made it for me once upon a time.

It is about two and a half hours into the day I turned 34 years of age, according to Nubian standard time. Where is that elusive mid-life crisis? I'm very curious...

Or perhaps Jedis don't have them, all that code stuff that we were suppose to learn as Padawans. My master never taught me that before he fell into a coma... and look how well I turned out. Actually, don't look at me, I'm not the epitome of Jedi-ness. I would say look at Sage except I know his weakness! And besides, his first words as a baby were probably the code...

Oops... here I was thinking to keep this journal about exploring myself and yet I keep drifting to the past.

In a way, I suppose the past is who I am. I feel like I do not live in the present and put truth to my late husband's words "You belong in the history museum", which were said to me at least a decade and half ago when I was still at the tender of days of teenage. It put a face to the "Age matters not" saying that some people are so fond of. I would be a hypocrite to disagree with that because at that time, I agreed with Seor. It is not how old we are that shapes us but what we have experienced.

Which brings me to a very scary thought... who in their right mind would make a teenager a Jedi Master? I, like many, have 20-20 hindsight and my teenage years were filled with hormone and angst. I, like many fellow Nubians, married fast (knew him one week) and married young (I was what, 17? 18?).

Look how *that* marriage turned out? Look at how Amidala's turned out? Look at how Lianna's turned out?

This diary is making me look at my own past and analyse each and every decision I made. It is also making me remember people, both good and bad, and remember the times I've had with them.

It is making me think of home... and how they are no longer there.

On my last little trip home, I was suspected of being a darksider because I was an unknown Force user who seemed to know what she was doing. It pains me that I can be doubted that way. But in a way, it also pleased me as I had a degree of anonyminity which I was not afforded before. I could be just 'that woman over there drinking a pink lemonade'.

I hear there are many reconstructions going on in Naboo. It seems as if the home I grew up in is truly gone.

No more Throne Room where July rigged the throne.

No more Council Chambers where Sage hid cookies and Cale took naps.

No more bar where Ron served the drinks to FTAs, Jedis and Siths alike.

If I were to go back to Naboo now, what would I find?
What will you do? Use the Force.

[Tuesday, October 31st; 23:25 PM]

I don't know where to begin... but then again I never do. Everything seems to be going on a downward spiral and I am stuck and there's no-one to reach out for my hand that I wave endlessly so someone can save me. I am lying... there is someone... but it's not the person I want. I want... I want the person I am in love with, I want to be able to feel loved again.

Why? Why take away things from me? haven't I had enough? It never seems enough when it comes to me. I always find a way to ruin everything and make myself unhappy. Unhappy, I wish I was unhappy I am just plain miserable right now. Miserable and alone.

I spend my days in my room, looking up at the dome ceiling and just stay there, sometimes I cry, sometimes I don't I just stare at the ceiling. When I have to eat I go and eat but the food tastes like nothing and the drink doesn't either. The flowers don't seem as pretty as they used to be and the sky isn't as blue.

I just want to crawl under a rock and come back when everything is back in it's place... and then maybe I can regain some of the happiness I had.

Master Epsilon is worried about me, I can tell in her voice that she thinks I might be turning to the darkside... hanging out with Rahll doesn't help. It's hard not to when he tells me he's changed and that he is willing to be a father to my mother's baby and that he's really not that bad. He hasn't laid a single finger on me, only to dry a tear away. How can I compete with that? Someone who cares... I miss Poppa tremendously, he cares and I am not in danger of him wanting to kill me. I haven't seen him around lately but I am sure he's fine... he has to be because I can't mourn the lost of another parent... I just can't.

I can't do anything right and it's all my fault...
What will you do? 5 Force Transcripts - Use the Force.

Love and Hope [Tuesday, October 31st; 23:03 PM]

[ mood | amused ]

Atsushi has left me, it does not come as a surprise to me though, I could feel that it was coming. Its alright though, I need to focus on my many projects. The hospital being the main one at the moment. I have gotten the blueprints approved so its just a matter of finding a good contractor and starting to build. I am very excited about it. Its one of the few things that keep me positive, is thinking I can make a change, that I can make a difference in someone's life. 

Luckily I also got the Senator seat for Naboo in the Republic Senate. I absolutely love my job. It gives me a chance to do what I have always wanted to do. I have been waiting for this for many years now, since Roan first came to Naboo. I think I am doing a good job. It is stressful at times, because you have all the senators who were there before the Empire, than you have the new post-Empire ones coming in, me being one of them. They do not like us, not one bit and are at times trying to set us up to fail. I refuse to fail at this.

I suppose I feel like I need to prove myself. Prove that I am a responsible young adult. That I can do whatever I put my mind to, and that I can and will succeed at everything. I hate the feeling of failure. Its a feeling I know well though. All to well. I feel like my whole life I have failed at everything, I have failed at being a person. But not anymore.  I am not going to let anyone bring me down, why should I? I am a Princess, I am a Senator. I have what I have always wanted, I get to represent the people of Naboo, I get to try and help them. Ever since I realized I would not become queen at age 10, I knew I wanted to be a Senator. I want to follow in my mother's footsteps, even though I will never be permitted to be Queen of Naboo like my mother, by the rest of the family. I can do this, and treat it with the seriousness it should be treated, as if I was Queen. 

I guess I am just rambling now. The sore on my shoulder still has not gone away, it just seems to grow bigger and bigger, I don't really know what is wrong with it. Dr.Peacecraft hasn't a clue either, he has taken sample after sample, done all sorts of tests and still its a mystery.  It hurts a lot of the time, mostly at night when I try to sleep.

Everything has been going well lately. I have nothing to really say, which is bad.

What will you do? 1 Force Transcript - Use the Force.

Does this mean I am human? [Tuesday, October 31st; 17:22 PM]

[ mood | In the arms of a goddess. ]

I don't know where to start this or really what to say.  Today has been a day mixed with pure and utter pain, utter rage that is almost primal in its feel, to wonderful highs with my Goddess.

Is this normal?  Is this what it is like for a normal person? To hurt and cry, and want to beat the crap out of something which caused them pain? To turn around and see the face of an angel and although still paining so badly for things that never should have happened, you find this power inside to just smile, and feel so loved... because there is this Goddess there, loving you and telling you, hey, I think you're great...? 

Then suddenly, all the pain, all the dispair, it doesn't leave.  I don't think something as full as my past will ever just leave... but it lifts, and the shadows are cast away from your eyes, and you see for the first time, unblinded?

I have never felt like this before in my life.  I have never been able to say, hey, yeah... I am alright.  Despite what he thought, I am alright.  I am allowed to hurt over this.  I did nothing to deserve the pain offered me by others.  I asked not for it.  I am an alright person.

Today I found out whom I thought was my father, is not.  The man who married my mother and fathered my brother is not mine.  He was not my father and yet, he treated me so badly.  It was relief to find out, but Gods it brought such a violent reaction too.  Anger and pain burst from my chest and i felt I just wanted to scream.  To cry... to, I don't know.  It was so primal though.  So dark.  It was a rage for the physical and emotional abuse he placed me through, which he had no right to.  I'm not even his son.  I don't know if he knew, if that was why he hated me, I don't care.  I don't need to care.  Let him get to know his son, my brother... not me.  I am not bound to him.  He is not my responsiblity anymore.  I don't need to look after him because that is the way mum would have wanted it, because obviously he had managed to push my mother away too.

So I can cut off any responsibility I had, any guilt I felt for being so angry and hurt over this.  I don't need to care what he thinks of me.  He's not my dad.  simple.  He can hate me all he likes.

This means, i don't know who my real father is... the person I thought it was brought up no match... but we are searching.  Hopefully we will find out.  I feel like I am a little lost as to who I am now.  Not too much, because I have my family and all that, but I want to know who I am where I come from.  I want to know if my father is better than the one I had growing up.  Hopefully something was just done a bit wrong and it is whom I suspect.  I hope so,

I also asked my Goddess to marry me tonight.  She has been through this hell with me, and she has shown me how to find my own power... and she has been there for me.  And well, shes hot.  I am a lucky man.  My children should be home tomorrow too.  I have never felt so much love as I do when I am amongst them.  I have the family now, which I had always wanted growing up.  They have taught me a lot and helped me see... hjelped me learn.  I would be lost without them.  I adore them all so much.  My daughter, so smart.. so beautiful in heart.  She makes me so proud.  My son, he grows more and more each time I see him.  He is an amazing child too... he sees everything as brand new.  He is so innocent... it is amazing to see eyes so untainted.  Then there is my Goddess.  She doesn't realise just how beautiful heart and soul she is, as well as physically.  She is so patient, and so unassuming.  I look at her and each day I fall in love a little more.

I feel blessed, finally I see I am. I am not saying I am out the woods, or fixed... but I see things I didn't... I feel I can go forward now. The past seems to have been settled to bed some, and the thing that was holding me back the most has had its tether sliced.  I feel free.

I just need to tell you mum, where ever you are... thank you.  You know what for.  Just thank you, and I shall forever miss you, but know, you are never truly far away.  I love you.

(add.)  I know now... we found out who.  I can see why you chose him mum.  He is a good guy.  Shame I didn't know at a younger age hey?  I am happy, got a tonne of questions to ask him... but, I am happy with who my father is.  I at least know he would have treated you right.

What will you do? 6 Force Transcripts - Use the Force.

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