Is this normal? Is this what it is like for a normal person? To hurt and cry, and want to beat the crap out of something which caused them pain? To turn around and see the face of an angel and although still paining so badly for things that never should have happened, you find this power inside to just smile, and feel so loved... because there is this Goddess there, loving you and telling you, hey, I think you're great...?
Then suddenly, all the pain, all the dispair, it doesn't leave. I don't think something as full as my past will ever just leave... but it lifts, and the shadows are cast away from your eyes, and you see for the first time, unblinded?
I have never felt like this before in my life. I have never been able to say, hey, yeah... I am alright. Despite what he thought, I am alright. I am allowed to hurt over this. I did nothing to deserve the pain offered me by others. I asked not for it. I am an alright person.
Today I found out whom I thought was my father, is not. The man who married my mother and fathered my brother is not mine. He was not my father and yet, he treated me so badly. It was relief to find out, but Gods it brought such a violent reaction too. Anger and pain burst from my chest and i felt I just wanted to scream. To cry... to, I don't know. It was so primal though. So dark. It was a rage for the physical and emotional abuse he placed me through, which he had no right to. I'm not even his son. I don't know if he knew, if that was why he hated me, I don't care. I don't need to care. Let him get to know his son, my brother... not me. I am not bound to him. He is not my responsiblity anymore. I don't need to look after him because that is the way mum would have wanted it, because obviously he had managed to push my mother away too.
So I can cut off any responsibility I had, any guilt I felt for being so angry and hurt over this. I don't need to care what he thinks of me. He's not my dad. simple. He can hate me all he likes.
This means, i don't know who my real father is... the person I thought it was brought up no match... but we are searching. Hopefully we will find out. I feel like I am a little lost as to who I am now. Not too much, because I have my family and all that, but I want to know who I am where I come from. I want to know if my father is better than the one I had growing up. Hopefully something was just done a bit wrong and it is whom I suspect. I hope so,
I also asked my Goddess to marry me tonight. She has been through this hell with me, and she has shown me how to find my own power... and she has been there for me. And well, shes hot. I am a lucky man. My children should be home tomorrow too. I have never felt so much love as I do when I am amongst them. I have the family now, which I had always wanted growing up. They have taught me a lot and helped me see... hjelped me learn. I would be lost without them. I adore them all so much. My daughter, so smart.. so beautiful in heart. She makes me so proud. My son, he grows more and more each time I see him. He is an amazing child too... he sees everything as brand new. He is so innocent... it is amazing to see eyes so untainted. Then there is my Goddess. She doesn't realise just how beautiful heart and soul she is, as well as physically. She is so patient, and so unassuming. I look at her and each day I fall in love a little more.
I feel blessed, finally I see I am. I am not saying I am out the woods, or fixed... but I see things I didn't... I feel I can go forward now. The past seems to have been settled to bed some, and the thing that was holding me back the most has had its tether sliced. I feel free.
I just need to tell you mum, where ever you are... thank you. You know what for. Just thank you, and I shall forever miss you, but know, you are never truly far away. I love you.
(add.) I know now... we found out who. I can see why you chose him mum. He is a good guy. Shame I didn't know at a younger age hey? I am happy, got a tonne of questions to ask him... but, I am happy with who my father is. I at least know he would have treated you right.