Yes, I know, a stupid little joke there, but it works.
First off, I wish to apologise to any and all I was downing on recently. It is not usually like me to be that low, well, at least until a few years ago it was not. There once was a time where I was, although living in a horrid world, I was unstopable, full of life and idealism. I guess, for a while I found cynicism.
They say there are several levels of grief, and depression is one of them. I guess I have been grieving the death of many things for a long time now. Very long time now, yet, never truly realised such. MY younger years were spent in denial of the pain, denial of the tragedies which surrounded me, and sadly, many others have been not so much victim to the situation my life was in, but have been hurt by it.
I am not saying they are completely blame free. No one is ever entirely blame free from any event in their life, anything that has happened. Even when it comes to being a victim of some sort of abuse. I say this as a victim. My entire life went upside down at 14. I was beaten and abused by a man whom I believed was my father, and at 14 I had the nouse to know that this was wrong. Yet, out of fear, I stayed, I stayed and I not so much allowed him to hurt me, but allowed him to take my power. I could have left. I chose to stay, stupid on my behalf. This does not mean he had ANY right to treat me how he did.
I allowed him to make me feel worthless. I know this. I am not saying it was an easy thing to allow, nor did I let him crush me without a fight. I rebelled, a lot. I still do I think. My job, it is one big rebellion, my life, my family... the way I have been around the block a bit. My rebellion has been in ways other than most teenagers had, and like I said, I still rebel. The only 'usual' thing I did was drink and smoke. Stupid, yes, yes, I know... and it seriously bit me in the arse too.
Yet, I guess what I am trying to say, my rebellion against my life was denying I was hurt, denying I was upset and pretending I was big and brave as he said I should be, yet, I took that 'bravado' a step further. A huge step further. Those whom know me know what I am talking about. I failed to see through this action as really, a cry out loud for someone to see me and love me and save me from sinking further. I had my friends, I know I had and still have my friends, but its different.
Now I have my children and my lover... my Goddess. I also have more family than I ever thought I could....
And that is my true rebellion...
Being happy. That is the BEST way I can get him back, get them all back for harming me.
Feth, don't get me wrong, I still want to tear a few new holes.
But while I can't, I will be as damn happy as I can.
I want to thank you all for putting up with my crap.
Especially my family.
I love you all.